Healing is such a…silver lining kind of word, if you will. A dawn of a new era, next chapter, new life. In all my healing I seem to always forget about the 3 letter tail to the word: “i n g”. In that lies the hardest part, the process.
I am convinced that we are in constant healing in some form or another.
My name is Cassandra and I am currently a mom healing from one toddler, two miscarriages, mom guilt and mom bod, amongst a myriad of other things. Almost 4 years into parenthood people naturally start wondering “when is number 2 on their way?”. Two years into trying to fully successfully conceive and give birth, the fact is we are wondering ourselves. During the 2018 Christmas season we miscarried at 11 weeks. Like most people who have tragic days, I remember that day so clearly. I remember the ultrasounds and seeing the little flicker on the screen that tells me my baby had a beating heart. However, and most importantly I remember the fact that Jesus was communicating with me throughout that entire pregnancy up to that fateful day.
During my shower that morning I heard the Lord say “my wounds are healed, yours will be too”. In all my days I never dreamed the call to be a mother would give me specifically, anything to heal from! Aside from you know the teenage years when hormones are raging and parent vs. child is in full season. My mom has 5 children, my aunt and my two cousins are all just as fertile.
Enter, stage left, February 2020 with a 2nd miscarriage. The pain was breath taking, disabling. All the evidence that I had collected about myself was validated in that very moment. Im not worth it. I must be doing something wrong. Im being punished. God doesn’t trust me. God doesn’t love me. All that the world had told me I was, was correct. The list is infinite with all the guilt, doubt, and shame I lay down to only pick back up every time I get a negative pregnancy test. The one and only fact that I have to hold on to is, He said that my wounds would be healed; not erased or would never happen again. But healed.
I know being a mom is, by far, the hardest job I have and will ever do. I also know it will be the best thing I will do. For sure, I was caught off guard to the realization that just getting the chance to be a parent again would grow my endurance for patience but if going through the cross was worth the pain, the humiliation, the wounds, then wont my hurt be worth it too? Wont Jesus make the journey more than I could have ever known? But even if He doesn’t, I know that at the end of the day it all points me back to Him. I do fully believe that my heart wound (at the very least) will be healed, how long that process will be only Jesus knows, maybe it wont be till He returns but I know it’s in process.
Healing: the process of making or becoming sound or healthy again.